Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
