it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
