Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
