i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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