She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize