My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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