Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
