dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
