I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
