just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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