I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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