but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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