I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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