he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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