if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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