my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
