There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
