i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I lost the right to judge tonight
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
