someone owes me an orgasm
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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