I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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