It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
