I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
