Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize