things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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