Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
