Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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