Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
