The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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