So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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