if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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