I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
