somebody snuck up and got me drunk
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
