So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Randomize
