life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize