I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
