considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
