Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
