Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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