Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
