Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
