So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
