my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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