Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
