This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
