Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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