Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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