I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
God I need to hump something, right now.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
