I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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