No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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