Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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