I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
