oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
