I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
