i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
