Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
