I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
