I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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